“I have some tough days, but I can face them with my Recovery Runners family fighting my corner.”

After enduring lifelong trauma, Dave Potts attempted to end his life. He’s now an Andy’s Man Club facilitator, Recovery Runner, and dad and husband.

Trigger warning: Self-harm, suicide, physical and emotional abuse, bereavement

You could say my journey leading up to Recovery Runners has been tumultuous. I had a very difficult childhood after my two brothers – both born with a terminal illness – passed away.

Michael died in 1984. Back then, his illness was as yet unnamed, but in 1987, the clinicians that had investigated him finally discovered it was Adrenoleukodystrophy or ALD. It only affects males, initially with sight and hearing loss, then inability to self-care, loss of bodily functions, and latterly death. At that stage there was no cure. My brother Daniel and I had tests to determine if had it – sadly Daniel did, and I was clear.

I remember Daniel slowly declining from nine-years-old, losing his sight and hearing and becoming weaker and weaker. He became very, very poorly and we lost him in January 1990. I was gutted. I was 13 and about to start my GCSEs. I remember everything about Daniel’s deterioration from start to finish. Michael’s illness – not so much.

We had no counselling or therapy back then – we just got on with life. Daniel’s funeral was on Thursday 11th January 1990. I returned to school the next day and we never really spoke of it after that.

During the 80s my dad verbally, physically and emotionally abused my brother Daniel and I, and cheated on my mother numerous times. Often we’d get home from school and my mother would have a new black eye, burst lip or the house was smashed up. He was a heavy drinker too. All this whilst my brother was ill.

We had further bereavements as I grew up – my grandparents passed away within a year of each other; whom I was very close to. Then my auntie passed away from cervical cancer. Again, I didn’t have any support, counselling or therapy to help me process everything that had happened.

By 2003 I was married and had three children of my own. Seemingly I was happy, but something wasn’t right internally. I couldn’t process why my brain had dark thoughts and low moments. I saw my GP who referred me for counselling. They diagnosed PTSD, anxiety and depression. At last I knew what was going on inside my head and hoped I could be fixed.

I developed internalised anger and began to self-harm by cutting myself to relieve the pressure. I also took overdoses of analgesics which led to short hospital admissions. I couldn’t process why I was doing it, but I just couldn’t be happy.

I had a period of stability as I was medicated to combat my mood, but cracks began to appear in my marriage. I was being manipulated and told ‘if it wasn’t for me and my family, you’d be nothing and you’d have nothing’. I was also told I couldn’t be a good husband or a good dad if I had a mental health condition, and that I was worthless and useless.

I was assaulted many times and, accepting that I was worthless and useless, began to self-harm even more by cutting my arms.

In October 2018 my wife, in laws and I had found my mother-in-law at home deceased. She was in an horrific state and the image still lives with me today. Her body was surrounded by empty wine bottles and there was rodent poison in her living room as it seemed she had a pest problem. We found hundreds of empty bottles in her house when we cleared it out. I had nightmares for weeks and had to sleep with a night light on and a fan to help me sleep.

I started attending Andy’s Man Club (AMC) at this point. It took me a while to open up but it was one of the best decisions I’d ever made.

But by September 2019 I couldn’t bear the internalised pain and distress. I remember it so vividly – my then wife had told me I was useless again and I made the decision to end my life, toying with the methods I wanted to use. I settled on going to Beachy Head in East Sussex and jumping. It’s a beautiful stretch of coastline and nobody would know me, plus it would be the last thing I saw.

I left my phone at home, took my bankcard, boarded a bus to London, a train to Eastbourne, then a taxi to Beachy Head. It was a balmy, late summers evening. I felt a sense of calm as there was an end in sight to my suffering and pain and I wanted to die.

I walked towards the cliffs, aware of many people walking and enjoying the views, walking dogs, chatting, laughing, smiling. I noticed a lady in a red fleece and a high visibility vest heading my way. I’ve since realised she was a Chaplain and her job is to patrol the cliffs to get people like me some help.

Something clicked in me and I knew I couldn’t do it – I couldn’t let these innocent people see me jump and spoil their evening – it could potentially ruin their lives and they didn’t deserve that at all.

I began to run away. The lady in red tried to follow and I told her to fuck off (I have reached out to Beachy Head Chaplaincy and apologised).

It took a while to walk back to Eastbourne. I realised I was cold and alone and called The Samaritans who contacted the police. I was then taken to East Sussex hospital and arrested, escorted to Leeds and sectioned for 12 weeks for my own safety.

One thing that stands out is my son James, then 22. He rang me crying, saying ‘I really fucking hate you, but I love you so much.’ That will always stay with me and is one of the reasons I couldn’t end my life.

I was discharged just before Christmas 2019. I was a lot more stable and realised I was loved, needed and wanted by so many people.

In February 2020 I was asked to be a facilitator at Andy’s Man Club. I felt incredibly proud and privileged and I’m hoping I’ve inspired many men in Leeds by telling my story.

My marriage eventually broke down and I self-harmed more than ever because of the way I felt and the way I was treated. I had lots more support from AMC and found that running helped me physically and mentally.

I had a period of being alone, in 2021 I went on a few dates to fill the dread of loneliness, I knew I wasn’t ready but I hated being on my own with my thoughts. I stepped up my running and did the Great North Run in 2021.

In 2022 I had pneumonia, which set me back both physically and mentally. I took many weeks from work to recover and get back to full health.

I mentioned at an AMC meeting in mid-2023 that I wanted to get back into running and my friend Matty mentioned Recovery Runners. He said they were a friendly bunch but I was reluctant to go as I thought of addiction recovery and felt I wouldn’t fit in.

I started running again but couldn’t motivate myself – I needed camaraderie and a kick up the arse. Matty kept encouraging me and I finally attended Recovery Runners on January 21st 2024. Ironically Matty had a Grim Up North run so he couldn’t join me, but he did pre-warn Deano and Phil that I’d be going. I immediately felt right at home, running 10km with fellow member Phil never leaving my side. This was my place and my people!! Chatting to others, I realised that people are in all types of recovery, from addictions, mental health, cancer, anxiety and grief through to breakdowns and health issues. This was like an AMC group in some respects as we all come in on different boats but end up sailing on the same ship.

Being consistent with my running and meeting new people gave me a new-found confidence to sign up to more runs. I did my first marathon in Leeds and have a place in London next year. I’m not going to lie and say it was easy doing my first marathon, but what kept us going was seeing our RR family en-route!!

I’d like to say I’ve overcome my struggles with mental health but it’s an ongoing battle. While I do have some tough days though, I can face them with my AMC and Recovery Runners family fighting my corner.

Life is beautiful and amazing and there are lots of things to live for.